Seven Months: Things to Remember

Oh boy, the months are flying by and I rarely find time to add to this blog. The boys are seven months old now and are a constant source of joy AND irritation, which is a horrible thing to admit but there it is! Babies can be pains in the ass! Ha. Send that mother of the year award over now, I'm ready to make my speech and then run screaming from the building.

Even so, I dread the thought of having to go back to work. I don't want anybody to look after my boys except me, and am heartbroken at all I will miss if they go into daycare. Not sure how to reconcile this. I'm even considering working evenings just so I can be home during the day with them, but S is not to impressed with that idea, so we'll have to see. I need to start researching daycare costs as well, just to see if it's even worth my going back to work, but I'm pretty sure my salary will more than cover costs and so that argument won't fly. There is a slight chance that I will be able to work from home (slight.....my office is notoriously against such radical innovation....it's a publishing company.....all work can be done online anyway....sigh) but I'm scared to broach that topic with my boss. They have been laying off over the past few months, so I'm worried that I will be next if I try to upset the applecart. Ack.

I'm writing this next to a screaming baby. He is so damned tired, and won't sleep. Won't. Sleep. At. All. I just put him down to yell for a minute...oh wait, he just fell asleep. I'm dead against crying it out, but pinch me if he didn't just stop shrieking and fall asleep. Ahhh, silence in the house of insanity.

I have no idea why this has started. He fights bedtime tooth and nail. His eyes are red and slitty from rubbing, he yawns and won't settle into playing or being carried or even eating. It's exhausting watching him. He keeps waking his brother. If you're looking for me, I'll be in the loony bin with the rest of the twin moms.

They have started waking more at night, and I feel as though I am back in those first two or three months after birth, when it seemed as though I never slept at all. Last night was better, they woke at 11 and then slept again until 5:30, heaven, but it's been more like 12, 3, 5, 8....and I have such a horrible time falling asleep between feeds because I am so tense anticipating the next howl through the baby monitor. But these nighttime feeds are quick, and they are very happy, and they go back to sleep right away. I wonder if the night wakings are related in any way to the fact that they are eating more solid food now. Maybe they have sore stomachs? Pin has diaper rash since he started eating solid food, I think because his poops are so yucky now. Duckling seems fine, no real rash, but he has some mean poops as well! I've moved them up a size in diaper, not because they are that much bigger but because they poo in fantastic quantities now, and it's always leaking out the legs or back.

Duckling:

• Still has no teeth, but drools incessantly. His shirt front is always soaked, and he has a rash around his mouth I think from drooling, but possibly a reaction to the one time I put cumin on his potato.
• Loves potato, rice cereal with mashed pear mixed in, chunks of pear, sweet potato, dried bagels, rice cakes spread with avocado or sweet potato and toast. Not too fond of zucchini or carrots. Likes broccoli and green beans, and will tolerate mixed grain cereal.
• Can roll from his front to his back, finally, this week.
• Has not slept in a swaddle for two weeks now, and is doing well. Flaps his arms a bit but settles down eventually (when he's not being screaming bedtime baby from hell).
• Loves the exersaucer, and his singing flower toy.
• Weighs around 19 lbs, has had three sets of immunization with little problem (slight fever, crabby for one day). Loves to swing in the park.
• Squeezes my nose, grabs my lower lip and pulls, grabs my face with his hands and pulls it to his face ('kiss mummy').
• Rolls, struggles, kicks when getting his diaper changed. Sometimes sticks his legs out stiff and crossed at the ankles, making it impossible to get the old diaper off or new one on.
• Laughs so much, smiles huge, just a lovely little boy most of the time (except for the screaming bedtime baby from hell episodes)

Pin

• Has four teeth, two up two down. Grinds them together incessantly, which is horrifying but he seems to get much entertainment from this.
• Loves rice cereal with pear, zucchini, potato, green beans. Not a huge fan of sweet potato or mixed grain cereal. Likes broccoli, dried bagel, and rice cakes spread with avocado or sweet potato.
• Smiles. All. The. Time. At strangers, at us, at the cat, at nothing in particular.
• Sleeps well, doesn't fuss to much when we put him to bed, unless he's truly not tired.
• Weighs about 19 lbs, has had three sets of immunizations with minimal problem, slight fever and crabby for a day.
• We thought he had reflux, and perhaps a stomach upset related to broccoli. Coughing, not sleeping well, vomiting more than usual. The doctor gave him pediatric ranitidine, and we gave it to him for a couple of days, and then his top two teeth came in and he seemed to settle down. We haven't given him any medicine and he's ok. Turns out teething symptoms can mimic reflux. Hm.
• Has not slept in a swaddle for two days, and is doing well. Flaps his arms a bit when we first lie him down but settles fairly quickly.
• Loves to swing in the park.
• Loves the exersaucer and the jolly jumper. He jumps in a little circle, on an angle, and it looks as though he's doing a restrained version of Irish dancing.
• Rolls across the floor, and sometimes gets wedged under the couch.

Six months: Things to remember

Six months have gone by in a whirl of activity. It's been a crazy ride, and everytime I think things are settling down into some kind of routine something changes, and we are back to not knowing what the hell is going on!


The boys have grown so much and have learned to do so many things, it's amazing that only six months ago they were blurry little blobs. We have started baby-led weaning, and so far the boys have had broccoli, sweet potato, carrots, apple, green beans and red pepper. Ducking tried some banana but didn't like it at all. They both like everything else, and it's so sweet to see them gumming away on a piece of a vegetable. They tried sippy cups of water today with little success. They'll get it though, they are watching us carefully when we eat and drink, so it won't be long.

They finally, last week, NOTICED each other! They smile and laugh at each other, and Duckling is always very interested in Pin when he is crying in his crib. He twists his head around to look at him, but he doesn't get upset, just curious. They were egging each other on today in the exersaucers, bouncing up and down and laughing at each other. Duckling tries to poke Pin in the head when they are in the same crib, seems to go for the eyes.

We took them for a series of swimming classes, and by the eighth class were kicking their legs in the water and looking as if they enjoyed themselves. S dunks them both right under, but I'm too chicken. They don't seem to mind it too much, but are a little startled. We'll take them again in September.

Both boys will turn their blankies or toys around until they can get at the tag, and happily suck on the tag. They also suck on toy puppy and bear ears, and Sophie the giraffe's feet.


Duckling:

• Can roll over from his back to his front, but once he is there he can't roll back. Well, he can, but only if he is sleeping. Awake, he yells until he is put onto his back, whereupon he immediately flips back onto his stomach. His tolerance for being on his stomach has grown, and he will sometimes stay there for 10 minutes, playing, until he has had enough.
• Has stopped sleeping well through the night. He used to wake up around 4, have a snack and go back to sleep, but now he fights being put to bed, and fights naps, and generally hollers and fusses when it's time for sleep. He will sometimes have extra milk at this point, which helps him to settle, but sometimes he needs to go in his bouncy chair, where he will settle, sometimes. Otherwise it's justs cuddle cuddle (still yelling during the cuddling) but at least he knows he isn't by himself. He wakes up two or three times at night, just like when he was a baby (smirk).
• Seems to be teething. He drools and gnaws on things, and wants to bite my fingers nonstop. His gums don't seem red, or swollen, but the drooling and biting and cranky bedtime behaviour point to teething.
• Loves being in the exersaucer and jolly jumper. Jumps up and down like a mad thing, with a very serious look on his face. He can play with all the exersaucer gadgets, and turn himself around depending on which toy he wants to play with.
• Can put both his feet in his mouth, and chew on his toes. Has done this for about three weeks.
• Reaches for toys, and uses both hands to play with them.
• Reaches down into his diaper with his hand while being changed.
• Just started splashing in the bath with his legs. He hasn't splashed his hands yet.
• Is fascinated with running water.
• Stopped breastfeeding as of last night. He's been slowing down, but still nursing at night, but last night refused. Likes his formula to be my skin temperature or warmer, or he won't drink it.

Pin:

• Can roll from his front to back and back to front, in either direction. He didn't start rolling at all until a few weeks after Duckling, but certainly figured it out in record time. He has even rolled twice in a row, but I think that was more momentum than planning.
• Has two lower teeth, as of today. He didn't make much fuss about it, and it was only by chance that I noticed them. Didn't seem to bother him, although perhaps last night's screaming episode was caused by them coming through.
• Sleeps through the night (last night was an aberration, I hope), and has done so for several weeks. He sleeps through all of Duckling's shenanigans.
• Goes down for a nap easily, and wakes up calmly and plays in his crib for awhile until he feels like letting us know he is awake.
• Sometimes cries at night when S tries to feed him or change him, and won't calm down until I take him. I have a silly little song I sing that calms him down (the lyrics are 'sweet potato baby, sweet potato baby') and then he'll eat and go to sleep fairly easily. Funny. Actually, Duckling will fuss for S as well sometimes and calm down when I take him. They love their mama right now for sure.
• Loves being in the exersaucer and jolly jumper, but is more of a smiler and dangler than actual jumper. He has just started playing with the exersaucer gadgets, but for awhile would just stand in it and smile, and watch me or Duckling and laugh at us.
• Is starting to notice the cats. He got hold of TC the other day and really dug his hands into her fur, and had the funniest look of surprise on his face.
• Likes his formula to be my skin temperature or cooler; doesn't like it too warm.
• Grabs toys with both hands, everything goes in his mouth.
• Hasn't yet started splashing in the bath, but enjoys the warm water.
• Spits up constantly. He always has dried formula stains on his clothes.

Five months: Things to remember

My boys are a little over five months old now, and are growing and changing and learning so many things.

Duckling can now easily roll from his back to this front, and does so a million times a day. The usual pattern is lie on back smiling, flip onto his belly, struggle a little and then start crying. We roll him back and give him a toy, which distracts him for a millisecond, then he rolls onto his stomach and starts crying. It's like the Groundhog Day of baby olympics, and the only way to stop it is to either carry him around or put him in the bouncy chair. He has learned to pull the rope that starts the musical frog, resulting in inane, incessant bubbly baby music. He swings off this rope like a monkey, and that damn music just never stops. But he has so much fun in the chair, kicking his legs and making it bounce up and down while laughing at the frog.

Pin has rolled over maybe five times, usually in his sleep, but hasn't figured it out during play time as yet. He has learned to try and attract our attention by shouting and fake crying, and when we look at him and talk he immediately starts smiling and babbling and shoving toys in his mouth. It's absolutely adorable. He also loves the bouncy chair, although he hasn't figured out the frog music or how to make it bounce on his own. He likes the vibrations and will sit and chew on a toy and make conversation.

Both boys are still very social and love to meet new people. They haven't learned to be shy, although Duckling can get a little overwhelmed with too much going on around him. He is very distractable during feeds, and it's better to take him to a quiet area so that he will eat. He is starting to reject the breast in favour of bottle, especially in the evening, and I am sad about this. Pin has been on the bottle exclusively for about a month now, and it was devastating when he rejected the breast. But I'm doing better with Duckling and am trying to take it in stride.

The boys have started fussing a lot in the evenings, and refusing to let their dad feed them. They are fussy with me too, but will at least eat. Duckling in particular has started screaming at bed time, and it takes him a long time to settle down and go to sleep. Sometimes both of them are in competition to see who screams the loudest, and it is so stressful that I cry along with them. They sleep well during the day, thank goodness.

Life is still like being on a hamster wheel. It is a repetitive pattern of feed play sleep, and it's not a lot of fun. I crave going out and doing things, but it's always such a big job to get everything ready, and bring what we need to feed, change and entertain them, that sometimes it's not worth the effort. We went to get our hair done today, and it was stressful trying to keep the boys fed and happy and not crying while both of us were getting our hair dyed and cut. We had to drive an hour and a half each way, and luckily they slept in the car both ways, or it would have been much worse.

We joined a family swimming class, which meets once a week and is for children 3 months to 3 years of age. It's mostly swishing them around in the water while singing, and there is usually moderate crying (Duckling) and frequent vomiting (Pin) but they are getting used to it and it's good to meet other families with babies.

Pin had surgery three weeks ago, for a left-sided inguinal hernia. Poor little guy, it was heartbreaking watching the nurse walk away with him toward the OR, and it was worse holding him as he came around from the anesthesia because he screamed and screamed and didn't seem to know who I was. They said he wasn't in any pain, and that it is a side effect of the anesthesia, but it was horrible to watch and I felt so helpless. We alternated acetaminophen and ibuprofen every three hours for two days, and he was fine after. The bandage came off after five days, and now the scar is barely visible.

I have decided to start baby-led weaning once they are big enough to feed themselves, and skip the spoonfeeding of purees. They should be ready in a month or so. Our friends are spoonfeeding their little girl cereals and fruits, and I just can't imagine adding that to our daily routine. You can just get so much more accomplished when you have only one baby! They bathe her every day as well, while we manage only two or three times a week. The baby-led weaning philosophy really appeals to me, so I don't feel badly about not giving the boys rice cereal and squashed fruit. ...'Food before one is just for fun'....

First swimming lesson

We signed the boys up for Parent/Tot swimming lessons, mostly because I wanted to meet other parents with babies of similar age. I haven't had much luck meeting people in the park, and the Ontario Early Years Centre was a bust, due to it being inaccessible to strollers....uh huh.

Cloth swimming diapers were purchased, and we were good to go. S took Pin into the changeroom and I took Duckling. I changed him into his cute fishy bathing suit and undressed, and managed to put everything into a locker while simultaneously juggling the boy, the towels and the locker key. I took a shower while holding Duckling away from the hot water, and we were ready. The shower area was packed with women and children, so I politely excused my way to the door to exit into the pool area. It was locked. While this explained the crush of bodies in the shower area, it didn't make it any more comfortable. Apparently the door remains locked while the intructors ready the pool area for the lesson. Eventually we were allowed into the pool, and we joined the rush of men and headed to the pool. We were told to line up around the perimeter of the shallow end, so we headed to the far side of the pool where there was a small gap. It was CROWDED. I couldn't believe how many families had been enrolled into the class.

The swimming lessons were for children aged 3 months to 3 years, but there were a good number of infants. The class consisted of waving the babies back and forth in the water while singing. We put them on their stomachs and then their backs, and pulled them around trying to make them kick their legs. Duckling stood this for the entire half hour, a stoic little frown on his face, hanging loosely in the water and looking at all the commotion. Pin lasted 15 minutes then started crying, and we had to take him out because he was getting quite upset. He fell asleep once he was out of the water, so it seems nap time is not to be ignored.

After class we all piled back into the changing room to dress. It turned out to be quite a juggling act. There is one change table, but it's just a table; there are no safety straps so you can't put the baby down safely. I retrieved all our items from the locker and waited my turn for the table, and finally was able to dry Pin and dress him. I couldn't let him go, so had no way to dress myself. I struggled into my clothes over my wet bathing suit, and met a fully dressed S in the hallway; he had asked somebody to hold Duckling while he dressed. I think next week we will take the car seats into the change room so that we have somewhere safe to put the boys while we get dressed.

Anyway, mission accomplished. I met some really nice people, and fingers crossed I will have some company in the park!

Things to remember: 17 weeks

I can't believe my darling little boys are four months old now, it's gone by so quickly. They have changed so much. I put them in their Bumbos and Exersaucers now, but they are still too small and don't sit up too well. They both hate tummy time, and both like their baths. They sleep in separate cribs now, because they both pivot in their sleep and one of them always ends up mashed into the crib rails by the other. They have stopped sleeping through the night since they sleep separately, so I think they must miss each other a little. They can still see each other though.

Duckling:

• Can roll from his back to to his front. He gets stuck and starts crying, so I put him on his back and he does it again
• Sleeps on his side
• Is growing hair back on the top of his head, and it is coarser than I expected. It's a combination of blond and light brown
• Loves his giraffe blankie
• Really likes to breastfeed, and only has a few ounces of formula after
• Hard to bottle feed, takes lots of breaks and looks around
• Likes to lie under trees and watch the leaves move
• Is reserved around people he doesn't know
• Has lovely fat legs
• Watches me a lot
• Likes to look at a bee decal on the wall beside the change table
• Takes him awhile to settle down to sleep, likes to look at his Winnie-the-Pooh mobile
• Can pick things up and deliberately put them in his mouth. Tried to eat an envelope the other day.

Pin:

• Rolled once about two weeks ago, but not since
• Has a big belly laugh
• Likes strangers who talk to him, smiles and laughs
• Doesn't like breastfeeding much, eats a little then enjoys the bottle of formula
• In love with the television, gazes at it in rapture. I don't turn it on anymore because I don't want him to turn into a math-hating zombie :-)
• Screams at bedtime, then quickly falls asleep
• Has lovely fat thighs
• Has just started turning onto his side
• Has what looks like a tooth coming through on the bottom; a little white spot is visible
• Loves his giraffe blankie
• Talks to us, adorable little noises
• Very little hair on the top of his head
• Has a freckle on his left ankle
  

Public Nudity

Breastfeeding has been an extremely difficult journey for us. I have struggled with lack of self-confidence, and fear that the boys will not get enough to eat. I don't seem to produce a lot of milk, likely because I never gave my body the chance to do so, and have supplemented with formula since they were born. I went to two different lactation clinics and although I followed some of their advice I found it too difficult to do everything they said, namely, tube feeding at the breast while nursing. Maybe if I had just one baby I might have done better, but I found that tube feeding two babies while struggling with nursing an absolutely daunting undertaking, and finally made peace with breastfeeding followed by a bottle at each feeding. The boys are getting some breast milk, and are growing and seem very healthy.

The only thing I never struggled with regarding breastfeeding was baring my breasts in public. I have no qualms about whipping out a boob when the boys are hungry, and have breastfed in museums, restaurants, a cellphone store, in front of our contractor and while having visitors. I make sure that I am discreet, and have nursing clothes that open at the breast and leave the rest of me covered, but apart from that I'm good to go. So far I haven't met with any negative reactions, and one time in the museum I actually had a little group of children standing in front of me, watching with great interest. I think S is a little embarrassed by my breastfeeding in public, but hasn't said anything and is always supportive and helpful. Our contractor is mortified and always stands sideways and stares at the wall while I breastfeed, which is fairly entertaining. The cable guy was also embarrassed, but at least could look me in the eye.

I want to continue breastfeeding as long as possible. Duckling loves to breastfeed, and at this point will only take his bottle after I feed him at the breast. Pin is less interested, and will only nurse when my breasts are very full of milk. By the end of the day Pin doesn't want to nurse, so Duckling gets both breasts at the last feed, and Pin just has formula. I'm taking domperidone to try and keep a good supply of milk, and drinking lots of water and trying to eat well. It's hard, and sometimes I'm tempted to just give them a bottle and give my breasts a rest. I don't though; I don't want to lose what little milk I have.

Double stroller = stay out!

I have a Mountain Buggy Urban double stroller, and love it. It's heavy, but it wheels around very easily. It's a side-by-side stroller, and as promised on their web site, it does indeed fit through most doors. However, the problem is not usually the doors, but the fact that many doors are not accessible because of steps, and many stores are so cluttered that even if you can wrestle the stroller inside you can't move around anyway.

We recently moved to a smaller town in Ontario, one that was established in the late 1800s. I take the boys for a walk everyday, mostly for my own sanity, and have become supremely familiar with the area. Turns out the majority of stores are not accessible, and I am reduced to peering through windows and waving at shop owners. I can get into the Shopper's drug mart and the Metro grocery store, and managed to crash my way into a children's clothing store, but that is about it. My mom visits on Wednesdays, and on those days I can leave the stroller out on the sidewalk under her vigilant guardianship and fly in and out of stores that are usually off limits. Oh, and there is the public library, with its depressing children's section in the basement, but Pin usually starts howling furiously within seconds of being in the library and I run away in a frenzy of embarrasment before somebody can start shushing me. It's a library, that's what they do.

This morning, the boys woke up unusually early after their second nap, and so after feeding them and me and getting us all cleaned and dressed, I was able to go to the Ontario Early Years Centre drop-in for the first time. This is a free drop-in centre for families with children under the age of 6, and is a good way to meet other women and children, and to have access to parenting resources and advice. It is only open from 9 to noon, which usually doesn't work with our schedule. I wanted to go for the social aspect, as I'm going a little stir crazy in this new town, not knowing anybody, and living in a chaotic house full of unpacked boxes. I dressed the boys in adorable matching outfits, made sure I didn't have any of the usual streaks of baby vomit on my shoulders, and happily marched off.

I got to the church in which the drop-in is located, struggled my way into the door with my fabulous stroller, and looked around for the correct room. A woman with an official identification badge asked if she could help me, and I told her I was looking for the drop-in. She pointed at some stairs, and told me I would have to leave my stroller outside as the centre was not accessible. She then peered into the stroller and realized that I had infant twins in tow, and said something like 'oh, that's too bad', and fled down the stairs to what I can now only imagine as the mecca of all things social, the Ontario Early Years Centre of Dundas, Ontario. I was left to struggle out the door, still in shock that anybody would think that it was a good idea to put a drop-in for parents and children under the age of 6 DOWN TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. Seriously, how is that a good idea? And what about parents and children with mobility issues other than being too young to walk?

So now I am reduced once more to haunting the Shopper's drug mart and the Metro grocery store, aimlessly smearing cosmetic testers on my hands and buying yet another flavour of vitamin water in an attempt to amuse myself, with two sleeping babies in the fabulous stroller, sadly imagining all the fun that everybody else is having at the Ontario Early Years Centre.

Love

It happened! In the past two weeks I have 'bonded' with my babies. I'm pretty sure that's what this is anyway, this sudden, huge rush of love. I feel connected to them now, not just as a caregiver, but with a deep sense of belonging, like the three of us are joined in some intangible way. We are family.

The babies recognize me now, I'm sure of it. They are as attached to me as I am to them, and they respond to me in a different way than they do with anybody else. It took three months for this to happen, which seems like a very long time. I loved them, but now I know that they love me too. I know this for a fact, and it is a momentous thing. It makes me cry just thinking about it, and I am so lucky.

Tummy time

Even before the boys were born, we were lectured on the necessity of letting the babies spend time on their tummies. We were warned that they would not develop strong neck muscles and that they would likely have flat heads from lying on their backs all the time. So, after a week or two, we started putting them on their tummies so that they would be strong and be able to sit up and roll over at the appropriate time.

Trouble was, both babies hated being on their tummies! They STILL hate being on their tummies at three months of age. They struggle and cry and suck their hands and cry some more, and I feel like Mommy Dearest for putting them through it.

I've had lots of advice, mostly obvious:

• Make sure they are not too full


• Make sure they are not hungry


• Don't put them down when they are cranky


• Make sure they aren't too tired


• Lie down with them


• Distract them with toys


• Put them down on something interesting to look at

Problem is, with twins, catching that period of not too full, not too hungry, not cranky and not too tired is HARD, because when one baby is miraculously in the perfect tummy time zone I am usually feeding the other one, and although I can manage to flip the baby onto his stomach he lasts for only a minute, two at the most, and then I have a crying, struggling baby to contend with while still feeding the other. I put them face down on my chest while reclining, and they will tolerate that for a while, and I can lie on my back, bring up my legs and put them face down on my shins and move my legs up and down, and they seem to like that the best, but that nearly kills me!

I don't know what to do about this, but I'm trying not to worry about it too much. The boys are gaining head control, although they are not yet too comfortable in their Bumbo chairs. I can put them in my Moby wrap in positions for three- to four-month-old babies and they do all right with not too much head bobbing, but there is definitely room for improvement. They are well-supported in the Mei Tai, so not an issue. I'm curious though: is tummy time a construct of Western society? Do other, baby-wearing, bed-sharing, hands-on cultures place the same value on tummy time, or is it more prevalent in societies that sleep babies in separate rooms and place less emphasis on carrying them around all the time?

Things to remember: 13 weeks

Duckling:

• Giggles
• Loves his giraffe blankie; rubs it on his face and smiles so sweetly
• Somehow abraded his baby toe on the right side, looks really sore, doctor unconcerned
• Can move a distance of two to three feet in his sleep, in the direction of his feet, and it only takes him five or six hours
• Has beautiful chipmunk cheeks
• Has a bald spot on the back of his head
• Poos every two days
• Sleeps from 10 pm to 6 am (most of the time)
• Smiles when he sees me
• Breastfeeds a lot, bottlefeeds a little, has a break, then finishes his bottle 20 minutes later
• Smiles huge while bottlefeeding, usually means he has to burp
• Started fussing in the stroller, so that I carry him in the Moby wrap and push Pin in the stroller
• Likes me to sing to him. Itsy Bitsy Spider is a favourite
• Weighs 14 lb 10 oz

Pin:

• Coos and 'talks' to us
• Spits up lots of milk while burping: Burp + barf = 'burf'
• Rotates in his sleep, sometimes 90 degrees in the night
• Poos twice a day
• Has a bald spot on the back of his head
• Has a big happy smile, so beautiful
• Can curl his toes so tightly that the tips touch the bottom of his foot
• Breastfeeds a little, bottlefeeds until he's full
• Goes to sleep in the stroller
• Sleeps from 10 pm to 6 am, most of the time
• Likes his tummy tickled
• Likes me to sing to him. Itsy Bitsy Spider is a favourite
• Weighs 14 lb 5 oz
• Tries to nurse through my clothes when I hold him across my chest, even though he's not hungry. Makes a big drooly spot on my breast
• Holds milk in his mouth which drools out when he smiles

Moving with babies

We recently (one week ago) moved to a new house in a new city, with three cats, two babies, and a shitload of stuff that we definitely should have thrown away five years ago.

We bought the house in February, before the babies were born, and it was a somewhat hasty decision in that there wasn't a lot available in the town where we wanted to live, so I looked at three, got S to look at the best of the bunch, and we bought it. I was hugely pregnant and exhausted, and perhaps not as picky or analytical as I would have been at any other time of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled with our new town and I like the house well enough, it's just that it's smaller than I thought and I'm having a hard time fitting all our stuff in, especially the kitchen. I can't figure out why. The house is larger, we have more storage, and on paper we should be able to fit all our crap I mean treasured possessions in with no trouble. Not the case, sadly. I keep finding odd things, like the shelves in the kitchen cupboards are fairly close together, so things like olive oil and pepper mills don't fit.

We hired a contractor to do some renovations before we moved in. There was a gap of two months from purchase to move, which should have been ample time for what we wanted done but as always, things did not go as planned and there are still a number of things to be done, adding to the chaos. I moved in with the cats and the babies on Saturday, with S and the contents of our house to follow on Tuesday. We are now living in a pile of boxes and chaos, with very little time to organize ourselves because Duckling and Pin are my main focus and I spend a lot of time looking after them. We've had three days of peace because of the long weekend, but the workmen are back tomorrow and the noise and dust start again. I'm dreading it.

A good thing about moving with three-month-old babies is that they don't seem to notice that they are in a new place. They have me, they have their dad, they still sleep wherever I put them down, and they seem quite happy with life in general. The cats are not so easy going, and were traumatized for a few days but now are entertaining themselves by leaping in the piles of packing paper and finding new places to hide and sleep. They are also getting along much better than before; they don't pick on each other and there are no midnight cat fights to contend with.

Once we get unpacked I think we will have a great life here, in our new beautiful community. It's smaller than our previous city, but has so much to do that I don't think we'll miss our old place at all.

If only we could find the cutlery.

She should have her own reality show

When Duckling and Pin were five days old, we went back to the hospital for an appointment with a lactation consultant. Breastfeeding is really hard, and breastfeeding twins is even harder, especially when you have no idea what you are doing. I had been home for two days, and was breastfeeding the boys on demand.

Duckling had been diagnosed with jaundice a couple of days after birth, but was deemed well enough to go home. I had been advised to supplement with formula to help with the jaundice, but was determined to breastfeed as much as possible. Pin had raised bilirubin levels, but not as high as Duckling, and was never officially diagnosed with jaundice.

The night before the appointment with the lactation consultant, Duckling refused a feed, and in fact did not really wake up properly. I put him in my nightgown for some kangaroo care, and he took the next feed so I wasn't too worried.

When we got to the appointment, I described Duckling's behaviour and they were immediately concerned. They checked his diaper and saw dark orange urine, and did a test to check his bilirubin, which was even more elevated. He hadn't gained any weight since discharge, and all in all looked like a sick baby. I was shocked. I had no idea he was not doing well, and in fact thought I was doing so well by breastfeeding him. I didn't know that he was sucking but not really eating, and didn't know how to tell the difference.

Enter the nurse practitioner from the NICU. She crackled with energy, took a history, and tried immediately to create a rapport with me by telling me that she too had fertility issues. She then told me that he was dehydrated because I wasn't feeding him properly. She made me feel like a terrible mother, that I had made him sick by not taking appropriate care of him, which sent me over the edge into hysteria. She called for blood tests, she called for bili-lights, she did everything except yell 'stat' at the nurses. She got things accomplished, but with the end result of further overwhelming an already overwhelmed, post-surgery, new mom of twins. I didn't stop crying for hours. Duckling was admitted for jaundice, which meant Pin and I stayed too. We had a private room and the isolette for Duckling, and a cot for Pin. S had to go home and get my things, and there we were, back in the hospital two days after leaving.

I guess I had been instructed on what to look for to let me know if the babies were not doing well, but I have no recollection of this. I didn't know to check, or even how to check, that they were swallowing and not just sucking, and I didn't know that they weren't latched on properly. I knew to check for wet diapers, but didn't know the difference between 'kind of wet' and 'soaked'. I truly thought I was doing a fabulous job. The whole experience left me doubting my abilities to feed my boys myself, and I have never had the confidence to stop supplementing with formula, with the end result that I was never able to produce enough milk for both babies. I'm still breastfeeding them both, but I follow it immediately with bottles of formula. I have so much guilt about this, I can't even describe it. I resent using formula, and I detest all the washing, sterilizing and filling of bottles. I don't like anybody else (except S) to give bottles to the boys, because I still believe it is my job to feed them.

I know that nurse practitioner was doing a great job at ensuring my baby got the care he needed, but I wish I could tell her just how terrible she made me feel.

Groundhog Day

Life with twins is certainly busy, but nothing ever seems to get done. Usually S works from home and can help me, but the days when he is in the office are hectic:

Between 4 and 5 am: Pin and Duckling wake up together and cry. Pick up whichever one is hollering the loudest. Put bottle in hot water to warm and start breastfeeding. When he is done breastfeeding, start bottle feeding. Keep talking to the other one to try and stop him from crying (never works). Change the one you have just finished feeding and put him back in his swaddle and into the crib. Hope he falls asleep.

5:45 am: Repeat above with other baby. S brings me a cup of tea and sometimes breakfast, if I am hungry that early. Kiss S goodbye and envy the fact that he can leave the house and go to work and GO OUT FOR LUNCH WITH HIS COLLEAGUES

6:30 am: Go back to sleep and drool heavily onto the pillow. Wake up in a soggy patch to crying babies.

9:30 am: Pick up whichever one is hollering the loudest. Put bottle in hot water to warm and start breastfeeding. When he is done breastfeeding, start bottle feeding. Keep talking to the other one to try and stop him from crying. Change the one you have just finished feeding and put him beside you on the the bed to play for a little while. They are happy and smiling this time of day.

10:15 am: Repeat above with other baby. Swaddle first baby and put him down for his nap and hope he doesn't cry.

11:00 am: Play with second baby, swaddle, and put him down for his nap.

11: 15 am: If both boys are sleeping, eat, shower, and wash bottles from night before. Otherwise try and soothe whoever is crying. Try and remember to change into clean pyjamas, otherwise just wear ones with spit up all down the front.

1:00-2:30 pm: Feed the boys, change and play.

2:30-5:00 pm: Throw in a load of laundry. Put away laundry from two days prior. Think about supper. Slouch about the house aimlessly doing chores and paying attention to three needy cats. Think about supper some more. Eat a bowl of cereal and make more tea. Realize that you haven't boiled water for more bottles, and put the kettle on so that it will cool by the time you need to make bottles.

5:00-6:30 pm: Feed, change and play with boys.

6:30-10:30 pm: Boys intermittently eat and fuss for four hours, and one of them is always needing to be picked up. S comes home around 8:30, and immediately picks up whoever I am not holding and keeps him company until the final bedtime feeding. Throw together a feeble supper, or reheat leftovers. Realize the boys haven't been bathed in two or three days and vow to do it tomorrow.

10:30-11:30 pm: Make bottles and put in fridge. Assemble bottles and freezer packs in a cooler, and fill a thermos with hot water for night-time feedings. Make a cup of tea, fill large water glass and place on nightstand.

11:30 pm: Get in bed, read, fall asleep. Wait for boys to wake up and start the process all over again.

June Cleaver, eat your heart out.

Mother's Day at the Museum

For Mother's Day, after a delicious omelet breakfast in bed, two pink gerber daisies from the boys and a lovely new coffee mug, S decided that we should go to the museum. This entailed the usual packing for the millenium because there is no pick up and go when you have infant twins. We need to bring food (my boobs and some bottles for back up), a way to heat the bottles (my boobs are always warm), diapers, change of clothing, change pad, wipes, bibs, blankets (thick and thin), large stroller, hats and extra socks because you never know when a sock will disappear into the molecules.

Once they were fed and changed into their new two-piece pyjama outfits, one yellow and one blue, with matching socks, we loaded them into the car along with the aforementioned paraphernalia and started the drive. Five minutes into the drive S realized that he didn't have his wallet, that in fact he had no idea where it could be, and worked himself into a frenzy of oh my god my wallet is lost. We turned around, drove back to the house, found the wallet in approximately 2.5 seconds and started out for the museum. Crisis averted.

Pin started crying immediately upon arrival. We headed to the cafeteria to get drinks and feed the boys, both of whom were in slow-mo and took approximately forever to to eat. Eventually, both were fed and changed and we headed up into the museum proper to begin the enjoyment. First stop, the Wedgwood exhibit. I managed to admire one objet d'art when Pin started crying again. I walked at breakneck speed in circles through the exhibit, hoping the motion would soothe him while whizzing past gorgeous pottery. I whirled through the exhibit over and over, admiring on the fly, but Pin was not to be distracted. I finally pulled him out of the stroller and carried him upon which he immediately fell asleep. I put him back in the stroller and resumed my frenzied circle of the exhibit, but he started crying again and this time S carried him until he fell asleep. This was repeated through the Art Deco exhibit, the European collection and the Bat Cave. Duckling remained asleep through the entire visit, but he managed to do a huge poop; the smell emanating from his side of the stroller was powerful enough to peel paint and I'm surprised we weren't asked to leave before we damaged any of the exhibits. Not wanting to tackle it on one of those rickety fold down changing platforms in the washroom, we decided to pack it in and take them home.

Babies change your life in ways you can't even imagine

Adventures in cloth diapering

When I first got pregnant we went to one of those baby product shows, with row after row of stroller companies, baby music classes, glitzy cribs, slick sales people exhorting us to 'buy now'! Buy now or risk NEVER finding this must-have product ever again and failing as a parent and your kids will be dumb and poorly nourished and face it, NOT CUTE ENOUGH.

I happily resisted everything until we got to the cloth diaper display. They were cute, and colourful, and so darn ecological, economical, and clearly the right thing to do that I was immediately hooked. I talked to the women running the booth for ages, hearing about their personal experiences with cloth diapering, and learning about the different kinds. A lot of thought and a few e-mail exchanges later, I decided to invest in some newborn and small Bummi diaper covers and prefold inserts.

The newborns were a writeoff. The babies' legs were so skinny that I couldn't cinch the diapers tight enough to stop leaks without squashing their little bellies (or so it seemed to me). By the time their legs were fat enough to fit the diapers the newborn size was too small, so I tried the small, which seemed huge but still closed around the legs ok. However, I couldn't stop them from either being wet around the leg gusset or downright leaking, no matter how I folded the insert or fastened the tabs. After one spectacularly poopy diaper episode, that squished out both the leg openings and up the back, I gave up. I feel terrible about using disposables for enviromental reasons, but twins are so time consuming and generate so much laundry on the best of days that I just couldn't hack it.

Bummies kicked my ass.

Things to remember: 10 weeks

A list of things to remember about my babies, at almost 10 weeks of age.

Duckling:

• Poos huge messy green diaper-escaping smelly poops, that often get on his feet and up his back
• Smiles so big while he's eating so that he can't suck
• Has a hydrocele around his right testicle
• Coos and gurgles
• Sometimes bleats like a goat
• Makes a 'yup yup yup' sound while eating
• Has a fat little belly, a double chin, huge cheeks and dimples on his knuckles deep enough to hold water
• Nurses with great determination, latches on and bites down and gulps
• Flares his nostrils and breathes hard when he's about to wake up
• Has redder skin than his brother
• Drools and makes spit bubbles
• Nicknamed Bubbles

Pin:

• Has smaller, yellow, thicker poos, easy to clean up and not too smelly
• Has an inguinal hernia on his left side
• Is in a terrific smiley mood after his breakfast
• Is easily distracted while nursing, lets go and has to be coaxed back on the breast
• Has very pale skin that marbles red when he is cool
• Makes a chirping noise in his sleep like a smoke detector that is running low on batteries
• Cries loudly and furiously when he is hungry and when his diaper is taken off
• Likes his bath as long as he is not hungry
• Makes a 'hoooo' sound when yawning
• Nicknamed Loudy
• Has fat thighs
• Can move himself down the bed in his sleep by throwing his legs up and down
• Has a bald spot on the back of his head

Another trip to the ER

S was changing Pin a couple of days ago and noticed a huge lump just above and to the left of his penis. He immediately called me to have a look, and I took one look and was on the phone to the paediatrician within minutes. She was unavailable, but her fabulous assistant was able to contact her on her cell and run the problem by her. She made a preliminary diagnosis of hernia and advised us to go to the emergency department at our local children's hospital to have it checked out.

Unlike the last time, we didn't panic. We fed both the boys, packed their diaper bag with more food and diapers, and calmly proceeded to the children's hospital and parked in the lot. We proceeded to triage, lined up at the appropriate computer without being prompted, and this time were registered immediately. We were seen by triage within 5 minutes and told to wait in the waiting room for assessment. We saw the intake nurse about 10 minutes after that, and after the usual questions, weight, temperature and preliminary examination were issued with a hospital bracelet and told to wait for our turn. And wait we did. I know Pin was low on the triage scale, not being in any pain, or bleeding, or showing any sign of discomfort at all, but we had to wait 7 hours to see a doctor. SEVEN HOURS.

We ran out of food. We ran out of diapers. We definitely ran out of patience. I started haunting the triage nurse, asking her how many people were ahead of us, and could she get us some formula. I breastfed them as much as possible, but not having the greatest milk supply this was not a solution to two hungry crying babies. S went out to try and buy some more formula, but apparently downtown Toronto is not the baby-friendly mecca you would imagine it to be, and there was no formula to be found.

Just as I was once again bugging the nurse to find us some formula, we were called in to see the doctor. They took one look, diagnosed a hernia (uh huh) and referred us to the general surgery clinic because an inguinal (groin) hernia can become 'stuck' and needs to be surgically repaired as soon as possible. By 'as soon as possible' I mean that the general surgery clinic will call us within 2 weeks with an initial consult appointment, and schedule us for surgery after that.

In the meantime, every time we change his diaper we have to push the hernia back into his stomach, to make sure it isn't stuck. It makes a little popping sensation when it goes back in, and sometimes we can feel liquid moving through the intestine as we push on it. It gives both of us the willies to do it but we do it faithfully because we are so scared of it getting stuck. If it's stuck, part of his bowel will not get oxygen and will start to decay, causing Pin to become ill and have pain and to need emergency surgery. I feel so sick that he has to have surgery; the thought of my sweet little boy having general anaesthetic and postsurgical pain and possible complications is nauseating. At the same time, I want him to have the surgery as soon as possible so that it doesn't get trapped and start to decay.

Cutting the Cords

Guest post by my husband, S

The first 2 months with the twins, and perhaps a week prior to their arrival, has been a whirlwind. I feel like Tony Shaloub's character, Fred Kwan, in Galaxy Quest on traveling through space in a pod — "That was a hell of a thing." And yet somewhere inside me, Sam Rockwell's Guy Fleegman character also comes bubbling up: "AAAAARRRRRGGGAAAAGGGGHHHAHHHHH".

It's hard to keep a clear memory of what happened in those exciting, hyper-stimulated days and nights in February and beyond. I recall the wonderful experience my wife and I had during labour, an experience that forever changed my life. I greatly love, admire and respect S, and this bond grew deep and inward in ways I cannot describe during the 16 hours of labour.

The caesarean delivery that lay at the end of this experience was as shocking as the labour had been affirming. Nothing can prepare you for the war zone chaos of an OR during a caesarean delivery of twins. Two teams of doctors, nurses, anaesthetists, and interns are required; one team for each baby. I cannot imagine the melee of birthing triplets or more.

I held up pretty well, at least at the beginning. The crowd was getting to me, and the mask was making me feel claustrophobic, but I was doing ok. The experience immediately struck me as a surreal one. I guess I was expecting it to be surreal, but until it happened, it was hard to quantify it. This was Dali surrealism: melting clocks and human faces morphing into spaniels.

And then a couple of high pitched squeaks.

Duckling emerged from behind a doctor as he carried him to an attending nurse. He did not look real at all. I was expecting him to be a slimy and reddish, but I was surprised by his large size and his purple/whitish silver colour. He was quickly wiped down and weighed, then thrust under a heat lamp like a burger and fries, ready to be picked up by the waitress. As Pin caught my peripheral vision, I recall a nurse asking me if I wanted to cut the cord for Duckling. I leapt at the chance, compelled out of a sense that this act gave me a bona fide reason to contribute to the OR staff chaos.

The umbilical cord was tough, like cutting through thick, wet leather. The memory of it stays with me, but at the time it did not feel like this magical, bonding moment that I had hoped it would be. Yet, somehow, I know that this moment will indeed endure.

Good thing they're not identical

It took me about two weeks to be able to easily tell the boys apart. For the first two or three days I needed to look at their hospital bracelets, and the days after that I was ok because Duckling was jaundiced and helpfully yellow in colour, but once he faded it was difficult again. Now I can look at photos of when they were first born and easily tell them apart because they actually look completely different, but during the first two weeks of pain, exhaustion and shock, it was very hard. S could tell them apart right after they were born, and now can tell me who is crying on the monitor. I still need to look at them, unless Duckling is making his little goat noise or Pin is doing his super-pissed bellow.

Two nights ago, I was awakened at 4 am by a baby crying and kicking me in the back. This is surprisingly effective; you can doze through a bit of crying, but kicking? When they both get going it's like trying to nap in a hailstorm. It was Duckling. I fed him and changed him, noting with mild interest that his poop looked more like something Pin would produce (yes, they poop different). I put him back in his swaddle and soothed him back to sleep, and then woke Pin for his feeding. (I tend to wake them at that time of the day, so that I can go back to sleep knowing the other won't wake up in 15 min.)

While feeding Pin, I looked closely and realized that I was in fact feeding Duckling. I was so tired that I first thought I had fed the same baby twice, and it took me a few minutes to realize that I had actually fed Pin first, not Duckling. So yes, I had recognized Pin's poop, even though I thought it came from Duckling. Fraternal twins poop fraternal poops.

Who knew.

Milestones

Being a parent of twins, I find that I am so busy all the time that I let a lot of things slide. I don't keep a baby book, I haven't started memory boxes for them, I haven't had any of the numerous photos printed and put into frames. I usually write this blog one-handed, while nursing one of the babies, often in the wee hours of the morning.

I know I will regret this later, especially when telling the boys stories of their babyhood. Thank goodness S is great at saving the photos to the hard drive with descriptive labels, otherwise we would be completely lost.

Today Pin actually saw the rattle I was shaking at him, saw it and smiled and cooed and tracked it with his eyes. I put it in his hand and he gripped it and shook it for a while. I'm pretty sure he had no idea he was doing it, but he certainly liked the noise it was making. I ran around the house looking for the video camera but it's buried in a pile of something, somewhere. I'm sure he'll do it again, but the first time is always so magical and surprising. I tried it with Duckling a while later, and he also smiled and tracked it with his eyes.

At nine weeks of age, the boys can:

• Coo
• Smile
• Follow us with their eyes
• See bright colours and follow them with their eyes
• React to rattle noises
  
• Drool (mostly Duckling, who is nicknamed Bubbles)
• Sleep 3 to 5 hours at a time, sometimes (well, once) more
• Sort of hold their heads up
• Throw their feet straight up in the air and fart, even when asleep
• Make sucky noises and breathe excitedly when they see my breast or a bottle
• Poo only once or twice a day, instead of 6 or 7 times a day, although these poos are now so voluminous that they fill the diaper, leak, and sometimes go halfway up the back
  
• React when the other is crying, even though they ignore each other completely for the most part
• Cry vociferously and with intent (Pin's nickname is Loudy for this reason)
  
• Put themselves all the way to sleep if I lay them down half asleep
• Put themselves back to sleep if they wake up at night and aren't hungry and are swaddled

Who said babies are boring.

Sleep

Why is everybody so focused on getting babies to sleep through the night? Sleep doulas, books, DVDs...all designed at getting babies to sleep longer than is natural or healthy. It's practically a competition among some parents. Bottom line, although I love sleep as much as anybody, I believe that babies are designed to wake up when they are hungry, and should be fed. Why train them to sleep through a natural urge, something that is necessary for survival?

Two nights ago Duckling and Pin slept for 7 hours straight, something they have never done before. I woke up at 8 and was momentarily terrified that something horrible had happened, but no, they just slept longer than usual. Probably a reaction to their first vaccinations. I felt GREAT the next day! Of course I was excited to see if it happened the following night, but we were back on the 4 hour schedule of wake eat sleep. By four hour schedule, I mean Pin wakes up at midnight, feeds and cuddles and has a change and is soothed back to sleep (or not) and then Duckling wakes up at 1 (if I'm lucky, otherwise he hollers until I am finished with Pin by 12:45 or so), feeds and cuddles and has a change and is soothed back to sleep. I fall asleep about 2 am, then Pin wakes up about 4 or 5 and the whole process starts again.

I GET the idea behind sleep training, I really do. I just think that they need to eat when they need to eat. They have little tiny tummies, and are fed breast milk and formula, which digests in the blink of an eye and leaves them hungry a few hours later. That is how they are designed, that is how it is.

Disco balls

Last night Duckling terrified us by spitting up a mouthful of blood. He had been crying and we were just about to feed him when out blorped a quantity of frothy red saliva. Granted, it was only a teaspoon or two but trust me, any amount of blood to come out of a two-month-old baby is guaranteed to send the parents into a frenzied panic. We immediately packed Duckling and Pin into the car and drove to the local children's hospital.

We were told to wait outside the triage computer, an area that was completely devoid of health care professionals or any staff at all, for that matter. We waited. And waited. S showed up before the intake worker, a feat considering the state of parking in Toronto. We waited. Finally, a girl in jeans showed up, slouched up to the computer, took Duckling's health card and stared at the screen. Eventually she pointed to the name on the card and asked if that was his name.

She asked us to stand three steps to the left beside a wall. So we stood. With two crying babies. Still in a panic. Duckling was conspicuously not bleeding but we still stared obsessively at his mouth, waiting for another rush of blood. A triage nurse asked if my nipples were cracked and bleeding. They weren't. We were sent to another waiting area, and were eventually called in to see a nurse, who asked if my nipples were cracked and bleeding (still no). She did a preliminary examination of Duckling (who was perfectly happy and still not bleeding) and put us in a room to wait for the doctor.

We were seen by a student doctor, who examined Duckling and asked if my nipples were cracked and bleeding. She took Duckling's diaper off to check him, and as she did so we pointed out that he had a hydrocele (benign collection of fluid around the testicle), unaware of the excitement that would result. She put a light to his testicle and watched as it glowed red, over and over, explaining that hydroceles conduct light (unlike tumours). We were less than impressed by his glow-in-the-dark genitalia, because of the whole spitting up blood situation, but she was enthralled.

She found nothing out of the ordinary, went to consult with the doctor in charge, who while sticking a light on the poor kid's balls asked me if my nipples were cracked and bleeding. He then had the student doctor EXAMINE my nipples minutely, desperate to find some evidence of cracked and bleeding nipples so that they would have a diagnosis, but she was unable to find any evidence of cracks and/or bleeding.

They discharged us with a diagnosis of 'probable ingestion of maternal blood' even though there was absolutely no sign that this was the case. There was no mention at all of the disco balls.

Cats and Babies

We had four cats at the time the boys were born. We had Bamboo, who was our old girl, 13 years old, and very sick with diabetes, since passed away. We also had Betty, 10 years old and very shy, and TC and Larry, each about two years of age and bossy and energetic (above photo).

A popular topic of conversation throughout the pregnancy was how the cats would react to the babies. We predicted that Bamboo and Betty would hate them and hide all the time, and that Larry and TC would be very excited and would try to be with the babies as much as possible, which was much worse. It was actually fairly anticlimactic. After a few minutes of arched backs and sniffing from Bamboo and Betty, they pretty much ignored the whole situation. Larry and TC were initially very excited by the crib and the pack'n'play, mostly because they were new fabulous places to try and sleep (NOT ALLOWED!) but they have pretty much ignored the boys unless there is a lot of crying, in which case they look disgusted and stomp away.

The babies of course have not yet paid any attention to the cats, but that will change, oh yes, cats beware, make the most of your lives now........

Duckling and Pin

We chose somewhat unusual names for our boys. We wanted something meaningful to us and our families, to give the boys a sense of heritage, and to avoid the 'top 100 most common names of 2010'. It was actually very easy to compile a list of possibilities; much more difficult to actually choose. Luckily we were in agreement and there wasn't too much discussion or swearing.

Although traditional Irish names, they are not as well known in Canada. This gave our maternity nurses a little trouble, especially the Asian nurses with English as a second language. The mispronunciations were varied and hilarious, and Duckling and Pin was the closest some of them got to their actual names.

As one nurse explained, the more common names are much easier to pronounce. Good luck with that, little Prances and Pill, where ever you are.

Miscarriage

I knew women who had had miscarriages. This information was always somehow embarrassing, a TMI secret, and I never knew what to say. The elephant in the room. Briefly acknowledged then never mentioned again. We are not taught about miscarriages, and they were never something that were ever openly discussed, at least not in my world. I never thought of miscarriages in any more detail than a few cramps and some momentary sadness. Most of my information came from tv, movies and books; I could be wrong, of course, but if soap operas are anything other than completely unrealistic portrayals of life then they would be classed as educational tv along with Nova and W5.

Point is, I knew miscarriages could happen, but I was completely unprepared when it happened. I did not know about the stunning devastation, the crazy denial, the inconsolable sadness. I didn't expect to wake up crying weeks and months after it happened, and I had no idea that even now, four years later, that thinking about my poor lost baby, for yes indeed people, that was my baby, would bring tears to my eyes.

And a terrible thing: for a while, I was the elephant in the room. I endured embarrassment, thoughtless comments, and abrupt changes in topic. I learned not to talk about this huge, overwhelming grief, the loss of my baby. I feel so bad for how I treated other women. I was uninformed and thoughtless, not uncaring, but I wish I could go back and do better.

Fighting for Fertility

When we first decided to start a family, I was convinced that I was not the 'type' of person to actively pursue a family, and if it didn't happen oh well, life goes on, children are not the be all and end all. Then my obsessive personality traits kicked in, and I was determined to maximize my chances and figured out when I ovulated and made sure we had sex on the appropriate days. I was a bit of a mood killer, I'm sure! I was pregnant in five months, and that was it, the family was on the way, and I started planning my life accordingly. I never even once considered the possibility of a miscarriage. We were having a baby for Christmas.

After my D&C for my miscarriage, I didn't have a period for months. I mentioned this to my GP and my OBS/GYN, but neither of them took me seriously. I was told to wait and be patient, but I knew there was something wrong. I know my own body, I know how I work, and I could tell that I was ovulating, I was getting PMS, my breasts would get sore on schedule; I was having a regular 28-day menstrual cycle, I just wasn't bleeding at the end of it. I started charting my basal body temperature, and it showed a textbook perfect cycle, rise after ovulation, drop at the end. I finally persuaded my GP to take me seriously, and he referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist, I think mostly to make me go away than because he thought there was anything wrong.

I was lucky in that I got into see the RE on a cancellation and I didn't have to wait the usual six months. He took my history and diagnosed me with uterine scarring within 10 minutes, and confirmed it after an operative hysteroscopy two months later. They took down the scarring that was blocking the cervix and the chunk that was at the top of the uterus, but it seemed that the uterine walls were affected also, and were not able to generate a decent lining, which impacts the ability for the fertilized egg to implant and start developing. I was put on huge doses of estrogen and then progesterone to promote healing, and then was given the list of reproductive options available to me. I knew very little of infertility, and still didn't really believe I wouldn't be able to have a family. I knew the statistics of a woman my age being able to have a baby, but that was other women, not me. I would be able to get pregnant, why not? Delusional, to say the least!

The list of options available to me was:
1. Do nothing
2. Take fertility meds to increase my ovulation
3. Add intrauterine insemination to option 2.
4. Add IVF to option 2
5. Adopt

We chose to try the fertility meds and intrauterine insemination. This was already far more intervention than I ever thought I would try. The medications had to be injected, and I have a HUGE needle phobia! My partner was amazing, and took on all the injections. I had Gonal F every day to promote egg production, and then Ovidrel to stimulate ovulation. Unfortunately, two things got in the way of this being a successful venture. I did not respond to the Gonal F, and therefore made one egg a month same as if I did not take any drugs. Second, the drugs made me ovulate much earlier than usual, so I don't think the egg quality was helped by that. We did several cycles though, with no pregnancy. I told myself I was 'resistant' to the drugs, when really I was just at the natural end of my reproductive abilities, and made it very hard for myself to come to terms with the failure. I was still very depressed about the miscarriage, and the constant monthly failure to conceive was adding to the depression. It was a horrible time in my life.

Ashermans Smashermans

When we decided to start a family, I was 39 and had no real concept of how much fertility declines by that age. I was having regular periods, so naturally assumed that pregnancy would not be an issue. And it wasn't. I got pregnant five months after we started trying, which I now know was highly unusual for somebody my age.

Sadly, we found out around 10 weeks that the baby was not doing well; I had had some slight spotting, and an ultrasound showed that the heart rate was slower than it should be. It was so hard to believe that there was anything wrong. I had lots of morning sickness, I was gaining weight, all the signs of a healthy pregnancy. But two weeks later the cramping started, which became so severe that I went to the hospital for help. Another ultrasound showed that the baby had died, and I was sent home with pain medication to wait for the inevitable.

It was horrible. I lived in fear of the bathroom, terrified of the baby coming out. I had no idea what to expect, what it would look and feel like, and how I would cope. However, nothing happened, and my doctor scheduled me for a D&C. The surgery went very well physically...emotionally I was a wreck... and I healed very well. It took a few months to realize that there was something wrong. I didn't get a period during that time, and it turned out that I had some scarring in the uterus and cervix, most likely from the D&C. I was diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome, and the infertility roller coaster began.