I knew women who had had miscarriages. This information was always somehow embarrassing, a TMI secret, and I never knew what to say. The elephant in the room. Briefly acknowledged then never mentioned again. We are not taught about miscarriages, and they were never something that were ever openly discussed, at least not in my world. I never thought of miscarriages in any more detail than a few cramps and some momentary sadness. Most of my information came from tv, movies and books; I could be wrong, of course, but if soap operas are anything other than completely unrealistic portrayals of life then they would be classed as educational tv along with Nova and W5.
Point is, I knew miscarriages could happen, but I was completely unprepared when it happened. I did not know about the stunning devastation, the crazy denial, the inconsolable sadness. I didn't expect to wake up crying weeks and months after it happened, and I had no idea that even now, four years later, that thinking about my poor lost baby, for yes indeed people, that was my baby, would bring tears to my eyes.
And a terrible thing: for a while, I was the elephant in the room. I endured embarrassment, thoughtless comments, and abrupt changes in topic. I learned not to talk about this huge, overwhelming grief, the loss of my baby. I feel so bad for how I treated other women. I was uninformed and thoughtless, not uncaring, but I wish I could go back and do better.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Fighting for Fertility
When we first decided to start a family, I was convinced that I was not the 'type' of person to actively pursue a family, and if it didn't happen oh well, life goes on, children are not the be all and end all. Then my obsessive personality traits kicked in, and I was determined to maximize my chances and figured out when I ovulated and made sure we had sex on the appropriate days. I was a bit of a mood killer, I'm sure! I was pregnant in five months, and that was it, the family was on the way, and I started planning my life accordingly. I never even once considered the possibility of a miscarriage. We were having a baby for Christmas.
After my D&C for my miscarriage, I didn't have a period for months. I mentioned this to my GP and my OBS/GYN, but neither of them took me seriously. I was told to wait and be patient, but I knew there was something wrong. I know my own body, I know how I work, and I could tell that I was ovulating, I was getting PMS, my breasts would get sore on schedule; I was having a regular 28-day menstrual cycle, I just wasn't bleeding at the end of it. I started charting my basal body temperature, and it showed a textbook perfect cycle, rise after ovulation, drop at the end. I finally persuaded my GP to take me seriously, and he referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist, I think mostly to make me go away than because he thought there was anything wrong.
I was lucky in that I got into see the RE on a cancellation and I didn't have to wait the usual six months. He took my history and diagnosed me with uterine scarring within 10 minutes, and confirmed it after an operative hysteroscopy two months later. They took down the scarring that was blocking the cervix and the chunk that was at the top of the uterus, but it seemed that the uterine walls were affected also, and were not able to generate a decent lining, which impacts the ability for the fertilized egg to implant and start developing. I was put on huge doses of estrogen and then progesterone to promote healing, and then was given the list of reproductive options available to me. I knew very little of infertility, and still didn't really believe I wouldn't be able to have a family. I knew the statistics of a woman my age being able to have a baby, but that was other women, not me. I would be able to get pregnant, why not? Delusional, to say the least!
The list of options available to me was:
1. Do nothing
2. Take fertility meds to increase my ovulation
3. Add intrauterine insemination to option 2.
4. Add IVF to option 2
5. Adopt
We chose to try the fertility meds and intrauterine insemination. This was already far more intervention than I ever thought I would try. The medications had to be injected, and I have a HUGE needle phobia! My partner was amazing, and took on all the injections. I had Gonal F every day to promote egg production, and then Ovidrel to stimulate ovulation. Unfortunately, two things got in the way of this being a successful venture. I did not respond to the Gonal F, and therefore made one egg a month same as if I did not take any drugs. Second, the drugs made me ovulate much earlier than usual, so I don't think the egg quality was helped by that. We did several cycles though, with no pregnancy. I told myself I was 'resistant' to the drugs, when really I was just at the natural end of my reproductive abilities, and made it very hard for myself to come to terms with the failure. I was still very depressed about the miscarriage, and the constant monthly failure to conceive was adding to the depression. It was a horrible time in my life.
After my D&C for my miscarriage, I didn't have a period for months. I mentioned this to my GP and my OBS/GYN, but neither of them took me seriously. I was told to wait and be patient, but I knew there was something wrong. I know my own body, I know how I work, and I could tell that I was ovulating, I was getting PMS, my breasts would get sore on schedule; I was having a regular 28-day menstrual cycle, I just wasn't bleeding at the end of it. I started charting my basal body temperature, and it showed a textbook perfect cycle, rise after ovulation, drop at the end. I finally persuaded my GP to take me seriously, and he referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist, I think mostly to make me go away than because he thought there was anything wrong.
I was lucky in that I got into see the RE on a cancellation and I didn't have to wait the usual six months. He took my history and diagnosed me with uterine scarring within 10 minutes, and confirmed it after an operative hysteroscopy two months later. They took down the scarring that was blocking the cervix and the chunk that was at the top of the uterus, but it seemed that the uterine walls were affected also, and were not able to generate a decent lining, which impacts the ability for the fertilized egg to implant and start developing. I was put on huge doses of estrogen and then progesterone to promote healing, and then was given the list of reproductive options available to me. I knew very little of infertility, and still didn't really believe I wouldn't be able to have a family. I knew the statistics of a woman my age being able to have a baby, but that was other women, not me. I would be able to get pregnant, why not? Delusional, to say the least!
The list of options available to me was:
1. Do nothing
2. Take fertility meds to increase my ovulation
3. Add intrauterine insemination to option 2.
4. Add IVF to option 2
5. Adopt
We chose to try the fertility meds and intrauterine insemination. This was already far more intervention than I ever thought I would try. The medications had to be injected, and I have a HUGE needle phobia! My partner was amazing, and took on all the injections. I had Gonal F every day to promote egg production, and then Ovidrel to stimulate ovulation. Unfortunately, two things got in the way of this being a successful venture. I did not respond to the Gonal F, and therefore made one egg a month same as if I did not take any drugs. Second, the drugs made me ovulate much earlier than usual, so I don't think the egg quality was helped by that. We did several cycles though, with no pregnancy. I told myself I was 'resistant' to the drugs, when really I was just at the natural end of my reproductive abilities, and made it very hard for myself to come to terms with the failure. I was still very depressed about the miscarriage, and the constant monthly failure to conceive was adding to the depression. It was a horrible time in my life.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Ashermans Smashermans
When we decided to start a family, I was 39 and had no real concept of how much fertility declines by that age. I was having regular periods, so naturally assumed that pregnancy would not be an issue. And it wasn't. I got pregnant five months after we started trying, which I now know was highly unusual for somebody my age.
Sadly, we found out around 10 weeks that the baby was not doing well; I had had some slight spotting, and an ultrasound showed that the heart rate was slower than it should be. It was so hard to believe that there was anything wrong. I had lots of morning sickness, I was gaining weight, all the signs of a healthy pregnancy. But two weeks later the cramping started, which became so severe that I went to the hospital for help. Another ultrasound showed that the baby had died, and I was sent home with pain medication to wait for the inevitable.
It was horrible. I lived in fear of the bathroom, terrified of the baby coming out. I had no idea what to expect, what it would look and feel like, and how I would cope. However, nothing happened, and my doctor scheduled me for a D&C. The surgery went very well physically...emotionally I was a wreck... and I healed very well. It took a few months to realize that there was something wrong. I didn't get a period during that time, and it turned out that I had some scarring in the uterus and cervix, most likely from the D&C. I was diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome, and the infertility roller coaster began.
Sadly, we found out around 10 weeks that the baby was not doing well; I had had some slight spotting, and an ultrasound showed that the heart rate was slower than it should be. It was so hard to believe that there was anything wrong. I had lots of morning sickness, I was gaining weight, all the signs of a healthy pregnancy. But two weeks later the cramping started, which became so severe that I went to the hospital for help. Another ultrasound showed that the baby had died, and I was sent home with pain medication to wait for the inevitable.
It was horrible. I lived in fear of the bathroom, terrified of the baby coming out. I had no idea what to expect, what it would look and feel like, and how I would cope. However, nothing happened, and my doctor scheduled me for a D&C. The surgery went very well physically...emotionally I was a wreck... and I healed very well. It took a few months to realize that there was something wrong. I didn't get a period during that time, and it turned out that I had some scarring in the uterus and cervix, most likely from the D&C. I was diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome, and the infertility roller coaster began.
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